Me, Myself, and I

A few weeks ago, my friend, Diana came over for a visit, just as I was finishing my daily workout. I apologized for running late but she was excited to check out P90X. She's a fitness trainer and loved that we were just hanging out in exercise clothes. I suggested that she grab my roommate's mat and join me for Ab Ripper X, a 15 minute killer ab workout. Being the fit gal she is, she jumped right in. Afterward, she admitted that though it was a solid workout, she would never go through with it on her own. I argued that while it's good to have a workout partner for motivation, sometimes it's nice to work at your own pace. Especially if your workout partner is a foot taller, almost one hundred pounds heavier, and male. She thought I was lucky to have someone to workout with every day and push me to do my best. After these past few weeks, I think Diana's right.

My boyfriend (and P90X partner) got a job out of town and though I love him dearly, I was looking forward to a bit of alone time. We've spent time apart before, while visiting family or on business trips, but I couldn't remember the last time I was home by myself. Years, I think. For a few peaceful weeks, it would be me, the dogs, and the fall weather. This lasted a few hours. The first night, I had trouble sleeping, which is unusual because I've fallen asleep standing up on public transportation before; I can sleep anywhere. I got up and double checked that the doors were locked, played some Ryan Adams, and forced myself to keep my eyes closed. It eventually worked until I woke up in the middle of the night, twice, for no reason. I was anxious and not sure why.

The next few nights were the same until I worked my first closing shift of the week. Closing shifts at my restaurant are more more than eight hours long, making it easier to fall asleep at the end of the day. But then the next morning, I was so exhausted and sore. The last thing I wanted to do was workout, especially Legs and Back, the two biggest muscle groups. I started to think about what Diana had said, about how hard it would be to workout on her own. I was starting to agree. I knew that if I skipped a workout, that might make it okay to skip another, then another, and I didn't want to let myself down like that. I had already skipped my Yoga the day before. A few years ago, I might have fallen right into this pattern. No, I definitely would have. I reminded myself that I was doing this for me and had to hold myself accountable.

I had to learn to depend on myself for motivation. My new trick for holding myself accountable? Take a picture. When I'm at my sweatiest and my weakest during my workout, I snap a picture of myself, with P90X in the background, with my iPhone. I'm giving myself proof that I have what it takes to completely shed my old, lazy habits and fight to get what I want. The next time I'm feeling like curling up in my bed for another hour, I'll have that picture to remind me I don't need someone else. I have all I need inside of me. And if I'm feeling really low, I can email or text that photo to my family or friends (or out of town workout partner), for an extra boost of pride. When the workout is done, I always feel better than I did just sitting on the couch.

I'm sorry for all the times I looked down on people for not doing their best, when they don't have someone to push them. My alone time has taught me a valuable lesson. I had forgotten just how hard it can be to go it alone. I need reminders to break me out of my funk, just like anyone. It's easy to get stuck, especially when you're alone. We'll reach for the quick fix, the easy out, unless we have something to remind us just how easy it can seem to workout once you get started. Something inside me takes over and wants to sweat. Now I understand why the guys at the gym stare at themselves in the mirror so much. Maybe it's not as narcissistic as it seems. They need proof. They need to be held accountable. The mirror image is their motivation. So if you see me at work, or out and about, staring at a picture of myself in a sports bra on my iPhone, try to take it easy on me. I'm probably just having a tough day.