Make The Choice To Change Today and Every Day

Last year, I turned 30 years old and I didn't freak out. I felt centered, prepared, even a bit excited. In fact, I was much more freaked out about turning 30 on my 27th birthday than I was last November. Change is possible at almost any age but for me, 30 feels like the perfect age to begin again. You have enough life experience to have made some pretty big mistakes. If you've learned from those mistakes, then you have decades of life ahead of you to grow and truly live your life the way you want. I guess people get scared because, as far as we know, you only get one chance at this turning point, at being 30. Ironically, it's often this very same fear that paralyzes us and keeps us from making the choices we really want to make. The beauty of being young is being fearless. The beauty of being old is having wisdom. The beauty of being 30 is balancing the two and living a life that is right for you. A life you can be proud of and a life you won't regret.

This blog isn't really about being 30 but c'mon, I'm a 30 year old woman...the subject is gonna come up. What this blog is really about is learning how to take care of yourself and struggling with your inner voices. Like the voice that tells me to sit down, relax, enjoy myself. The voice that tells me to run out and buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby and eat the whole thing in one sitting instead of cooking a healthy, delicious dinner. The voice that orders a Maker's Mark on the rocks without thinking about what it's gonna feel like to roll out of bed the following morning. The voice that lets the dishes pile up, leaves the mail unopened, and puts things off until the last minute. It's the same voice that tells me to hide from the world, and from myself.

About five years ago, I started to get the idea it was time for a change. I was living in a friend's apartment in Queens and my whole world consisted of a small room with one small window, a futon for a bed, unpacked boxes for tables, a TV, and an ashtray. I smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day, Kamel Red Lights exclusively, and was working at a restaurant on the Upper West Side that was one step up from being a diner. When I wasn't working my meaningless, menial job, I was getting drunk or high or both, eating Chocolate Fudge Pop Tarts, and "writing," which meant the occasional lucid poem admist scribbling my depressed/paranoid thoughts on a yellow legal pad. My TV wasn't hooked up but an acquaintance of mine owned every season of Friends on DVD and was nice enough to lend them to me, one at a time, of course.

This was my life; lazy, out of shape, reclusive, in a fog, in a funk, and recently dumped by a younger guy who was even more emotionally and chemically fucked up than I was. Good times. Fear not, hopeful readers. We already know this story has a happy ending (or new beginning) because here I sit, writing to you, almost 100% vice-free (minus the occasional libation and a healthy caffeine habit). I just couldn't live that life anymore. My survival instinct kicked in. Something inside me wanted to stand up and fight my fears instead of wasting away. I chose to listen to THAT voice for a change.

Those of you who've known me for more than a week (or have had the pleasure of working a stressful job with me) could testify in a court of law that I have a slight tendency to go to extremes; either I freak out or I don't give a shit. I used to not give a shit as a personal philosophy, which meant I was a LOT of fun at parties but it also meant I was reckless, lazy, sloppy, dirty, closed-off, and unaffected (or what many teenagers refer to as "cool"). When I decided to rejoin the human race, without the security blankets of drugs, alcohol, or sex, I went to the other extreme and cared too much. I ended up putting way too much stock in how other people saw me and how other people thought I should change. I had these ideas about the life I wanted to live but I had a long way to go and I didn't know how I was gonna get there.

I stopped hanging out with the few friends and acquaintances I actually had left. I quit everything cold turkey and spent years struggling with self-discipline. I would spend $8 on a pack of cigarettes just to light one, take one drag, and then throw the whole pack away. I started replacing cigarettes with M&M's...not a smart substitution. I joined a gym where I'd do the least amount of exercise possible and then tell myself I deserved a treat. I basically turned to the last available comfort; food. Once again, I wasn't dealing with my anxiety, I was just switching to a new quick fix. I didn't truly want to live a healthy life I just didn't want my old life and my old habits. And for the record, it took me four years until I honestly did not want to smoke a cigarette. Four years. That would've been a lot of M&M's.

Two words helped me, and continue to help me make the choices I need to change my life. The first word is balance. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to honestly try. I'm finally figuring out the difference between pushing myself to achieve my goals and wearing myself out. I've also learned how good it feels to take a well-deserved break, rather than spending every free moment chilled out on the couch. From now on, the name of the game is moderation, motivation, so I can go out into the world for some real-life exploration instead of sitting-at-home-feeling-sorry-for-myself contemplation. (I apologize for channeling Jesse Jackson just now but I'm serious!)

The second word is focus. Focus on drinking a glass of water instead of another bottle of soda. Focus on how much I love sweet potatoes and chicken instead of the chocolate I'm craving. Focus on the workout instead of what kind of reward I get for all my hard work. I focus on what is in front me, no matter how small the task. I focus on doing what is best for me, so I can do what's best for those around me, too!

No one succeeds alone but I had to prove to those around me that I wanted to change. A lot of slow-moving babysteps went into getting me to where I am today (and a lot of patience on the part of my family and friends). And I met someone who also wanted to change for the better, someone who has been there almost from the very beginning of my turn around, and has become my partner and best friend. But the most important lesson I'm learning is to do it for me, because it's what I want and it makes me feel alive. I had to make the choice. I chose to stop smoking pot. I chose to stop smoking cigarettes. I chose to write my first short film. I chose to leave my beloved city of New York and move across the country, to a place where it never rains (isn't that unnatural?). I chose to grow up and take responsibility for my actions, my words, and my life. And I chose to create this blog.

When I first thought about creating this blog, a voice in my head kept saying; "Who cares what you think? We all have problems. Your blog's gonna be just another one-woman pity party." Then I realized, that is exactly the point. We ALL have problems; getting out of bed, figuring out what to wear, what to eat, how we're going to find the energy to workout after a full day, what to tell our family when they ask why we're not married yet...but when we share our triumphs and (more importantly) our failures with each other, we're no longer alone. And maybe, just maybe, you'll read something here that helps, or motivates, or inspires, or stings because it's a truth sitting in the back of your head, waiting to come to life.

My hope is that by sharing my thoughts, feelings, goals, and insecurities, I can help motivate others to get up out of bed, get up off the couch, and go out into the real world. Don't wait until Monday morning, or your birthday, or New Year's Day to live the life you truly want to live. Become who you are inside right now. Explore the true meaning of giving the best first impression. Be yourself, your true self, all the time, every time. For me, that does mean changing my physical body, yes, but it's more about how the physical body is directly linked to the mental and spiritual; my self. It's about more than just changing the way I look. It's about changing the way I think, feel, act, and react. It's about changing the way I see myself, and in turn, changing the way others see me. For me, that day is today and every day. It's not magical, it's a choice. What are you waiting for? Stop waiting. I challenge you to make a choice right now. What will you decide to do today?