I know that title sounds pessimistic but I'm just trying to be realistic. I'm sitting in the front car of an emotional roller coaster; either my hands are in the air or I'm just holding on for dear life. There is rarely a day in between. When those middle of the road days do come, I get bored. So I nitpick, looking for a reason to be happy or sink into a depression. Maybe it's genetic but as long as I'm aware of it I'm going to learn to control it myself, sans drugs (self-medicated or doctor-prescribed), booze, food, or anything other quick fix. My problem is that every time I have a setback, I feel like I'm starting over. How do I teach myself to think of these moments as speedbumps rather than failures?
I have this pattern and it goes a little something like this; I come up with a grand idea, a life-changing, mood-altering, genius plan. I then spend way too much time plotting and scheming to ensure ultimate success. By the time I actually begin to follow through, I'm already losing steam. Then, it fizzles out, a beautiful, glowing shell of what could have been. I do not want to end up a beautiful, glowing shell of the person I didn't become. But I've become more afraid of the little every day failures then of the big picture failure. I say I don't want to end up a never-was, then find myself distracted by other people's lives and art instead of creating my own.
Example; this blog. I thought my blog was going to be super motivational but it's turned into a substitute for therapy. At the very least, I'm writing something. That has to be a good thing. But where's the discipline. Must I wait for inspiration? Then nothing gets done. I need to learn how to forge ahead on days where I think nothing is good enough. Can it be that simple? Is the very least just about showing up and getting it done? Then there are these other ideas that I should be writing. I made a list. It's a very good list. All good ideas. When will they get done? What will it take for me to buckle down and write while working two jobs, sticking to my exercise program, and keeping my life together?
I'm wondering how do I live my life while planning for a life I might never have? Am I feeling this pressure because another birthday is passing me by, or do I always feel like this but never say it out loud?
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About Briana
- Briana O'Connor
- Born and raised in Detroit, MI, Briana began writing at an early age. She studied Creative Writing and Journalism throughout grammar school, writing an advice column and serving as a Copy Editor for her school newspaper. Briana attended Western Michigan University's Musical Theatre Performance program before heading to New York City to pursue a career in theatre and music. Writing music with the Chad Parson Band inspired her to focus her energy on other forms of writing she had left behind; poetry, short stories, and eventually short film. She was privileged to study Poetry Writing with poet and novelist Laurie Wagner Buyer and was honored to receive an internship with E. Jean Carroll, the longtime advice columnist for Elle Magazine. In 2006, Briana co-founded Bigger Baby Productions, a small internet-based company focused mainly on short comedic film. On January 1st of 2008, she made the cross-country move from NYC to LA to pursue a career in film and television. Briana currently resides in Santa Monica with her dog, Howie, and recently finished her first marathon!
I think your problem is one of perspective. The best way to differentiate between speed bumps and roadblocks is to honestly ask yourself if a) they've really set you back from the achievement of your goals and b) if the cost of this setback was at least partially offset by a gain in useful life experience.
ReplyDeleteThe cliche "every cloud has a silver lining" is certainly hackneyed, but the degree to which it is nonetheless veracious is largely a reflection of the attitude of the person over which the proverbial cloud ominously hovers! All failures are disappointing and some are disheartening, but you'll know they're catastrophic when they deprive you permanently of something that you love.
Those that aren't catastrophic become far more palatable if you can recognize that they are, at the end of the day, in fact just minor setbacks and not actual derailments. And if you can find no other saving grace in the face of frustration, just know that you learn from every experience and the promise of tomorrow always beckons. In the words of another trite axiom "that which doesn't kill us just makes us stronger."
Besides, if your mind continues to blossom new and exciting ideas every day, you should appreciate that you are among a gifted and enviable minority. As such, it's likely a matter of time, rather than circumstance, that one or more of these ideas will bring you the success you seek.
But in the meantime, take a minute to ponder how your brave decision to be so open about your tribulations is actually influencing others. I don't know how many people read your blog, but I can't imagine that a single one of them has lived a life free of these same concerns. What you perhaps perceive as just a therapeutic release for yourself actually has far-reaching implications on the lives of your readers.
You're helping people cope, Bri, if only for a few moments, by reminding them that while our lives are often very different (gods know yours and mine are!), we all face challenges every day that make us question our own futures and second guess the very goals that drive us toward greatness. By facing these challenges and then blogging about them, you help us all turn our roadblocks into speed bumps. I'd say that makes you a greater grader.