Mama Said, Mama Said

I feel as though I've spent much of life trying to figure out what I am so that I could be it, instead of just being myself and not worrying about the what that is. I've been a joint custody kid of divorce, a tomboy, a cheerleader, a Catholic schoolgirl, an altar girl, a choir girl, a ballerina, an outsider, a troublemaker, a bookworm, a rebel, a soloist, an actress, an sprinter, a dork, an instigator, an A student, an F student, a curious teen, a first love, a heart breaker, a triple threat, a slut, a follower, a leader, a spoiled brat, a role model, a crusader, a wallflower, the life of the party, a fuck-up, a shaman, a shoulder to cry on, a mess on your living room couch, an inspiration, a lost soul, a pain in the ass, a know-it-all, and a true friend. The sappy, after-school special truth is that I'm all of these things.

Smoking cigarettes doesn't make me. Doing Yoga doesn't make me. I am. All I have to do is be. But I have to ACTUALLY be. I can't just think about it, talk about it, or blog about it. I have to DO it. So today's word to live by is ACTION. When I think of something, I'm going to act on it instead of writing myself a note or putting it off until later. Which is why I'm writing this now as I think of it. Besides, I'm only doing what my mother told me to do. When I was 23, I called my mother and told her that I had decided to change my career path and I was planning on being a writer. Of course, we'd had this conversation before. There are many creative pursuits I'm interested in, I have had quite a few talents, but I never focused on just one long enough to become truly great at anything.

First, I was going to be on Broadway in musicals, then I discovered Shakespeare and poetry, then modern dance and choreography, soon after I wanted to be a Jazz singer...when it came time to choose a college, I went back to Musical Theatre because it encompassed so my three main loves; acting, singing, and dancing. When I moved to New York, I quickly became bored and just wanted to live life, which meant quitting everything and starting from scratch, at which point I decided to become a musician (read: Rock Star). When my boyfriend and I broke up, so did the band and my discipline for music. I was writing a lot, though. Constantly. Every day. At work, on the subway, in the park, while I ate, in bed, everywhere. Because that's what you do when you're lonely. If I didn't let it all out, I knew I'd end up a crazy person, wandering the streets of New York, muttering to myself and occasionally screaming at small animals and children.

One day, in a haze of smoke, I called my mother with this brilliant revelation; I was writing all the time so maybe I should be a writer. Usually she would argue with me about my first love, acting, because she was certain that was my strongest talent. Then, she'd mention her thoughts about me one day ending up a director or choreographer, you know, in the later part of my career. This time, her response was different. She sighed a heavy sigh and said, "Fine. You're a writer. Now write." I was astonished, certain that there was a big "but" waiting around the corner of her next sentence. "What?," I replied. "Oh, just pick something and do it," she said. "Anything. But just do it!." She was tired of me coasting through life. Of course, she wanted me to find my passion but...I had a lot of passion for a lot of different things, for life. She wanted me to take that passion and turn it into ACTION.

So I did. I found a class with an amazing poet and mentor, Laurie Wagner Buyer. She taught me how to write without censoring myself, how to rewrite the babble, and how to step away from something so it doesn't get "overwritten." She taught me not only was it okay to write in my own voice, but it was imperative in order to tell my own stories. I still have some of my old passions, and a few new ones, but I never stopped writing. Writing led me to film, and back to acting, and that's why I'm here in LA. Thanks to those two extraordinary, patient, and sometimes pushy women, I'm still writing and I'll always be writing. Now, if I only get to those dishes. And that pile of laundry. Maybe I should call my mom.

It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to BE!!!