Beginnings

It's been eight months since I ran the LA Marathon. My body is healed but my habits are broken. During a year full of stressful situations (switching apartments, switching jobs, switching cars, recovering from a race, recovering from broken love, recovering from a car accident, dealing with my own health issues, and the health of my loved ones), I somehow forgot to take care of myself. Rather than staying positive and focusing on the new habits I'd learned, I let myself go. Instead of healing emotional wounds, I covered them up with band-aids of cigarettes, whiskey, fast food, Netflix, and sleeping until noon. And the occasional Outkast song. Of course, none of it worked. It only made life harder and more complicated. It's time for a new start.

The fact that it just so happens to be a new year was not in my plan, it just turned out that way. Though I'm starting to realize timing doesn't just happen. Little by little, day by day, I'm becoming more aware of the patterns in my life, and not just the ones that seem negative. I have a new respect for the way the universe works and the part I play within it. I used to think that because life was so uncertain, it was something to fear. Paralyzed by this notion, I did my best to control every situation before it happened. Attempting to see into the future, I'd play out in my head every possible scenario to prepare for the worst, then I would plan my life accordingly to save myself from pain. Basically, over-thinking everything and making myself (and my nearest and dearest) crazy. Unlike Cassandra, I don't have visions, I can't see past right this second, and I'll never have the answers before they are revealed. That's not how it works and fighting it only hurts.

The upside is that even if that was me literally yesterday, it doesn't have to be me today. I can leave it all behind me. All I have to do is face forward and move on. With every new moment, I can choose to stand still, take a deep breath, and let it go. I can choose to connect myself to the people and world around me, instead of hiding, plotting, and planning. I can go with the flow, focused and energized, rather than putting on my armor and preparing for battle. I can acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them, instead of hanging my head in shame and beating myself up. Nothing gets done that way. It only helps to mask the light that burns inside me, eager to get out and light up the whole damn world! I know I can. I don't know how long it's gonna take. Some days will be easier than others. But I do know I can start right now.

Last Monday, I followed the advice from one of my own past blogs. Instead of waiting for the "picture perfect" new year, I went for my first run since April. Like slipping into a pair of old jeans, I was surprised at how good it felt. I had missed the wind on my face, the sun on my shoulders, and the rocking motion of all the parts of my body working as one to glide me through the air. I even pushed myself to run a bit longer than I planned, not because it was good for me but because I didn't want to stop running. And I never want to stop running. Especially because of how I felt the next morning...and the day after that...and the day after that. All those body parts that had worked together so beautifully, were now super pissed. In thirty minutes, they'd been brought back to life, but instead of thanking me, they raged like Frankenstein terrorizing the tiny villagers in each of my muscle groups. Bittersweet suffering.

So it begins. Sometimes making it through the pain is the only way to get to the joy on the other side. I'm in for a world of hurt and I'm gonna savor every moment. And stretch more.