Somewhere along the way, I got this idea that if I couldn't do something to perfection, I shouldn't do it. Dumb, I know. I thought if I was intelligent enough to know what perfection was but not capable enough to carry it out, then maybe it wasn't something I was meant to do. This may be the reason I'm not acting, singing, dancing, or writing on a professional level. I have successfully sabotaged myself into becoming a highly skilled restaurant server instead of any of the things I actually want to be. Perhaps this is how critics are born.
It's also the reason why I have NOT begun my next round of P90X for the second week in a row. Instead, I've spent the last two Sundays as though I was on Death Row, eating my last meal before getting strapped to the electric chair that is P90X. The next mornings, Monday mornings, I felt like shit. Literally. My stomach, my head, my body just could not take an hour long Core session with Tony Horton, let alone my first real workout in months. So I gave up. I put it off. "I'll start fresh next Monday, " I told myself. I realize now that this way of thinking is totally hypocritical in relation to this blog.
The truth is I could use a good shock to my system, something to clear away the ice cream, pad thai, pizza, gnocchi, movie theater popcorn (with mystery "topping"), Junior Mints, York Peppermint Patties, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, bacon (oh, the bacon), pancakes, French toast, and mocha lattes I've been consuming since the LA Marathon. Not exactly what you'd call "active recovery." I could blame my habits on any number of things. My co-workers tell me I deserve to eat whatever I want after doing a marathon. "I could never do what you did," they cheer, taking another long drag on their Marlboro Lights. My friends tell me switching jobs and moving to a new apartment are stressful events, and definitely warrant a bit of food indulgence.
I know the real story. It's the same as always. I'm lazy. Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying if I didn't think I could achieve perfection. I wasn't even in the shape I needed to be for the marathon. But I want to be. The desire is still there, however dim the flicker. I know because I went for a walk today. A long one. Not 26.2 miles but it was a start. And it felt really good. The sun beating down on my arms, my furry best friend panting by my side, and the Pacific Ocean stretching out ahead of me, reminding me of the limitless possibilities that still exist in the world. Just because I can't see them, it doesn't mean they aren't there.
I sure am glad to be living here. Now, I'm going to take a deep breath, balance out my crazy, and take my steps one at a time. I already started yesterday by turning down sweets at lunch. Then, after dinner, I had a 100 calorie fudge bar instead of eating directly out of a carton of Mint Chocolate Cookie Crunch ice cream. And today, I walked.
About Briana
- Briana O'Connor
- Born and raised in Detroit, MI, Briana began writing at an early age. She studied Creative Writing and Journalism throughout grammar school, writing an advice column and serving as a Copy Editor for her school newspaper. Briana attended Western Michigan University's Musical Theatre Performance program before heading to New York City to pursue a career in theatre and music. Writing music with the Chad Parson Band inspired her to focus her energy on other forms of writing she had left behind; poetry, short stories, and eventually short film. She was privileged to study Poetry Writing with poet and novelist Laurie Wagner Buyer and was honored to receive an internship with E. Jean Carroll, the longtime advice columnist for Elle Magazine. In 2006, Briana co-founded Bigger Baby Productions, a small internet-based company focused mainly on short comedic film. On January 1st of 2008, she made the cross-country move from NYC to LA to pursue a career in film and television. Briana currently resides in Santa Monica with her dog, Howie, and recently finished her first marathon!
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